Service providers share insight on teen dating violence By Lori Berkey, Contributing Writer 02/11/2005

Region - Monday, Feb. 14 is approaching and high school newspapers are full of Valentine messages. Chatter in halls is focused on who's doing what with their boyfriend or girlfriend on the big day. Amid pre-holiday hoopla - like any other day of the year - the complexities of teen relationships abound. Some are healthy and some are not. As the famed holiday-of-love nears, some area service providers shared insight on teen dating violence, what constitutes a healthy relationship, and where teens and parents can find help. Teen dating violence parallels what happens in adult domestic violence relationships, according to Chris Biron, MA, LMHC, clinical director at Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services. In our culture, she said, fights in teen romances are often overlooked as "normal kid stuff." But what is occurring needs to be taken seriously, she added. The problem is often denied, according to Janet Trippi, cochair of Against Domestic Violence In Shrewsbury Education Project (ADVISE), an organization that works with the community to break the cycle of domestic violence through provision of education, intervention and support. She said frequently when families hear about teen dating violence - especially when they live in an affluent area and are not economically deprived - that they say, "We're a really good family. We really care about our children. We're okay. This isn't happening to us." But all kinds of teens, regardless of their socioeconomic background, are involved in abusive dating relationships, she said. One out of every 10 teens is involved in an abusive dating relationship, according to Biron, with girls making up 95 percent of those abused. Biron said teenagers are going through a growing period, discovering themselves and seeking acceptance. But even as they may be responding to some areas of their life in a normal developmental fashion, she said, some will enter a dating relationship - often for the first time - and slip into something unhealthy. "They don't know any better at that point," Biron explained. "They don't know what's healthy and what's not."

Signs of abusive relationships, characteristics of those who abuse Overt signs of partner inflicted violence like teens coming to school with black eyes are not the only signs of abuse, Trippi said. Other forms of abuse she identified include emotional, verbal and controlling forms. An abuser may try to keep track of the partner's time, she said, calling on the phone and wanting to know where the partner is at every moment. Or abusers may try to control what their partner wears, she said, insisting they wear certain kinds of clothes, and backing it with "If you really love me that's what you'll do." Some will say, "No talking to other young men," she added. David Curran, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist who is both a psychologist at Shrewsbury High School and a private practitioner, has three questions he uses as a gauge for determining if a relationship is abusive. "Do you feel worse about yourself now than you did before the relationship? Are you more stressed now? Have you given up things that you loved [to do]? And the answer to none of that should be 'yes,'" he said. "But it will all be yes [if the relationship is abusive]." Teens who abuse, Curran said, are full of jealousy and are obsessively controlling. "Guys like this [who abuse] are extraordinarily attached and dependent and needy. They live out the relationship as though their life depended on it, literally," he said. "Anything that rattles that sends them into a panic. And so their control is an attempt to provide security in having the relationship and holding onto it." Curran said those on the receiving end feel a restriction on their functioning, their thoughts, their behavior and their actions that they wouldn't want to put up with from their parents. "They're finding themselves pressured by their boyfriend … and that's so often the case - that they will put up with these things from their boyfriend that they would be outraged about if their parents tried to impose on them," Curran said. The pressure may not be evident in the beginning, he said, but it can evolve. When abusers do something "really bad" and it seems to have made the girl distance a bit, Curran added, they'll panic and they'll come to them with "I'm sorry, I love you, you're so great." Curran said when this happens the abuser is being genuine, but there's "a dark side" to it. "These guys will try to reduce and destroy the self confidence and independence of the girl so that she won't have what's required to leave him," he said. "And that's a progressive thing. She gradually feels less and less good about herself." A warning signs that someone is an abuser, Curran said, is when the person - from the outset - seems to be showing signs of possessiveness and jealously. He said there's a tendency toward wanting to limit the other person's life in ways that "just don't feel right," such as not wanting a girlfriend to see her friends. A girl, he added, can interpret this as loving and as somewhat flattering that he would need her so badly. "It depends on the social skills and the intensity of the need and pathology on the part of the boy really as to how this unfolds," Curran said. "A kid with good social skills who's savvy and isn't completely overpowered by his needs will go into this gradually so that an entirely normal, intelligent girl can gradually get wrapped up in it without her even knowing it." Other abusers are much cruder about it, he said, and they'll become heavy-handed in the beginning. New to relationships, some teens aren't sure if their relationship is healthy or not.

Signs of healthy relationships A good relationship should make you feel better about yourself, Curran said. Mutual consideration, equality, and a capacity and willingness for empathy are other components of healthy relationships Curran identified. Having a "generosity of spirit" and "comfortably and with pleasure" having the other person engage in sports or other interests outside the relationship is another characteristic. A lot of what is healthy, Biron said, is the opposite of the abusive relationship. Instead of restrictions, the person will support a partner having different friends and will foster their extra curricular activities. Yet when the reverse is happening, some feel compelled to stay.

Why some teens stay in abusive relationships Despite feeling worse about themselves, losing involvement in activities they love, and being more stressed, many teens remain in abusive relationships. According to Biron, teens are at a vulnerable point developmentally, and staying in an unhealthy relationship is often linked to their strong need for acceptance. "They've given up their other means of support and they don't have a lot to go to," she said. Curran said some teens who stay are confused by the extremes of good and bad and have a hard time of sorting out what the truth is in the relationship and why their partner can be so abusive and then so apologetically loving. Another reason teens stay, according to Curran, is from the myth that "this is my one true love and if this breaks up I'll be alone forever." "Sex is a big thing too," he said. "It increases jealousy, it increases attachment, and it increases the belief on the part of the girl a lot of times that 'I've had sex with this guy, I can't just break up with him.'" The abused may also fear what will happen if they try to end the relationship. "When the girl tries to break up with a guy like this he is usually going to hit them with a barrage of very difficult issues," Curran said. Suicide threats and "falling apart emotionally" often result in the girl feeling guilty and responsible, he said. "Many girls dread what they know will be the horrible chaos of a breakup," Curran said. "[They think,] 'It's better to putter along in the misery I've got than to throw myself into utter hell.'"

How parents can recognize when their teen is being abused Cuts and bruises are not the only tip offs parents might see that could suggest their teen is in an abusive relationship. Curran said parents should pay attention when they notice their teen is giving up previous interests, when they're pulling back from things including their friends. "[When] their life is shrinking down to the boyfriend," he said, the relationship may not include physical abuse, but is psychologically very unhealthy. Noticing symptomatic reactions to the stress like sleeplessness and over- or under-eating is another aspect parents should pay attention to, according to Trippi.

What parents and friends can do to help Taking the symptoms of abuse seriously, instead of attributing it to "kid stuff," is very important, Biron said. She recommended parents sit down with their teen and tell them the symptoms they are noticing and express their concern. Parents also need to be aware of what they themselves are modeling in the home for their children. "What they're modeling is very important for the health of their teenagers," Biron said. Curran said parents can be a huge help to their teen and that calling Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services or calling the school are options they can pursue. Friends of the abused person can also be a help, he added. He said he encourages friends to tell on each other, to tell the person's parents. Friends can also help by remaining the person's friend and reminding the person of abusive incidents they have either witnessed themselves or have heard about from the friend's own distressed recounting.

When situations escalate Despite the "barrage" of issues teens in abusive relationships may be faced with, Curran said there are ways out. When time comes to break up, he said, people need to take the precautions of someone at risk for being assassinated. When safety is at stake, he urges teens not to go anywhere alone, not to go in a car with the abuser, to tell their parents, and to keep the doors locked. "It's not wrong to be thinking extreme," Trippi said, adding that the police can be an important resource and restraining orders can be put into place for safety inside and out of school. Domestic violence resources listed can advise on qualifications and potential consequences of restraining orders as well as safety plans. Curran encourages teens involved in abusive relationships to seek counseling by coming to a counselor at the school or accessing other resources through an adult. Biron stressed the importance for teens to realize that there is support out there and that talking to a counselor is confidential.

Resources Multi-services: Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services (SYFS): (508) 845-6932. Provides an information help line, counseling and outreach education regarding domestic abuse and has a Violence Intervention Program aimed at preventing violence. ADVISE: (508) 842-0056

Hotlines: Wayside Trauma Intervention Services 24-hour hotline: 1-(800) 511-5070 Rape Crisis: 1-(800) 870-5905 The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-(800) 799-SAFE This column is made possible through a partnership with SYFS and ADVISE. Special acknowledgments go to Chris Biron, MA, LMHC, clinical director at SYFS and Janet Trippi, cochair of ADVISE, for sharing their expertise and for their assistance in coordinating input from other community resources.

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