Local author, service providers share insights on relationship themes By Lori Berkey, Contributing Writer 05/13/2005

Shrewsbury - On the heels of the recent publication of Shrewsbury author, Rachel Greene Baldino's book, "The New Age Guide to Loving Simply: Eliminating Drama From Your Intimate Relationships," Baldino, an alumna of Boston College Graduate School of Social Work, and area service providers shared insights on themes from the book. Unhealthy relationship patterns - such as ones that can result when a thirst for drama is present - are identified, along with suggestions for developing more healthful patterns. Suggestions of where to turn if the relationship has escalated to an abusive level are also offered.

The element of drama addiction
In discussing the book theme of drama addiction and related unhealthy relationship patterns, Baldino said media influences may have had some effect on behavioral expectations in those cases. The influence seeps in from books, movies and novels where everything is heightened with slamming down the phone or slamming the door.
"People sense 'this is how it goes, this is how I should do it,'" she added.
Other influences, like growing up in a dysfunctional family, may also have a part, she said, but sometimes even people who grow up witnessing healthy relationship wind up innately having a "flare for the dramatic." And while some people grow out of having a need for drama, others get a high from a constantly agitated state, and there are personality types that are drawn to that.
Sometimes that combination can prove dangerous.
"If it's escalated beyond drama, and a dramatic mode of arguing," Baldino said, "and if it's escalated the whole way into domestic violence, then that is clearly a whole other area and ideally you'd like to see them seek help as quickly as possible - be it by calling a place like ADVISE [Against Domestic Violence in Shrewsbury] or the local police department or a women's shelter."
Fortunately, she added, there are many resources out there for women and men, but there is the question of people finding the motivation inside to call one of them.
"That's the internal battle that needs to be fought, and that's what makes it very tricky because people say, 'But I love him, he's my world, he means everything to me,'" she said. "As a counselor you have to counter each of those arguments with rationality and then you have the heart and the head battling and that's tricky. It comes down to the individual having to want out so badly that they're willing to get help."
For some people, Baldino said, being involved in drama makes them feel alive. But as people grow older, she added, they are sometimes able to see that there are other alternatives to feeling "really alive," and living peacefully can be preferable.
Some people have difficulty determining which patterns are healthy and which are not.


Gauging when a relationship is abusive
Learning to tell the difference of what is healthy and what is not, particularly for younger people who have less experience with intimate relationships, Baldino said, can be very hard at first. It can be especially difficult, she added, if people have "strikes against them" - if they grew up in a household where there was dysfunction of some kind, be it verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. In these cases, people may enter their adult relationships or late adolescent relationships with an unhealthy approach because of what they've learned in their own home.
Baldino said people who do not have barometer for easily judging when a relationship is unhealthy may still detect "red flags" when extreme situations are evident, like being hit or physically abused. But signs that are more subtle, like verbal abuse, insults and constant disparaging may be harder to detect, she said, for people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes.
"But even people who have come from dysfunctional households can have an instinct for 'This doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel healthy. I feel I'm being mistreated,'" Baldino said. "And hopefully if they are detecting these red flags, they aren't perceiving their dysfunctional relationship as normal because of their background, and then they can seek help."
Some people get out of a bad relationship only to find themselves in another.


Factors contributing to people entering unhealthy relationships
According to Chris Biron, clinical director at Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services, some people who come from a dysfunctional background may be pre-disposed to being in an unhealthy relationship because of their vulnerability of not being able to detect the signs of an abusive relationship.
"If they weren't able to learn healthy roles from their parents as to how to treat each other in a healthy way, the healthy boundaries may not have been learned," she said.
Janet Trippi, cochair of ADVISE, shared her thoughts.
"A person from that background may think it's normal," she said, "that that's the way the whole world is … Most of the media, TV that you see today is so entirely unreal that it's not a role model at all, so you've just got to learn from other people."
But people who come from a "fairly normal household" can also be pre-disposed to that kind of relationship because of other factors, Biron said, such as having a low self-esteem or feeling unable to make decisions without having someone else guiding.
Baldino agreed that even people who grow up in a loving home can develop a low self-esteem and feel that they are not worthy of a better relationship. Chemical imbalances that cause depression and anxiety are additional factors that can compound self-esteem troubles, Biron said, further pre-disposing someone to being in an unhealthy relationship.
For relationships that have not escalated to the point of domestic violence, Baldino suggested ways people may be able to develop more healthy patterns of relating.


Working toward healthier patterns
At times Baldino recommends taking a break from being in an intimate relationship as a means for someone to build their self-esteem outside of a relationship and not to view the relationship as the source of their self-esteem.
"When you are feeling better about yourself, that's a good time to re-engage in the whole world of relationships," she said.
For couples where both partners are interested in making changes, Baldino said couples therapy can be very effective. She said some find it helpful because of the opportunity to role play actual arguments and look for ways where less hurtful responses could be implemented.
Focused fighting, a process Baldino details in her book, is another technique she recommends.
"If the argument is about money or housework or something one of the children has done, you stay on point," she said. "You don't run down the laundry list of every other thing the person has done wrong in their lives. Then it gets really personal. Every couple has disagreements, but there are ways to do it where the two people don't hurt each other's feelings horribly by the end of it and feel completely broken."
Biron said it can also be helpful for people to look at patterns in a relationship and stay focused on one pattern that recurs that's not making either partner feel good.
"When there are lots of unhealthy things happening, it can get kind of hard to pinpoint one thing to work on to make progress," she said.
A tricky element to making changes, Baldino said, is when one partner is not willing to engage in counseling or work on making the changes.
"That's a problem that comes up a great deal," she said. "You can urge the person or invite them for one session, and sometimes they'll be amenable to that if they feel like it's not a long-term commitment. It's very hard. That's a big challenge."
Baldino said for couples who have identified problems in the way they fight, the key is implementing those changes in the arguing style, whether it's with the help of a couples' counselor or on the couple's own.
Talking about healthy boundaries is another focus area Biron said is important.
"There are many books and resources out there that can kind of go through 'this is a healthy boundary and this is not,'" Biron said. "I think for people to kind of see that on paper; to give them a resource, like her [Baldino's] book is helpful."
Other titles recommended by the service providers are "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls," by Mary Pipher; "Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write About Their Search for Self," by Sara Shandler; "Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence," by Rosalind Wiseman; "Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write About Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy," by Rachel Simmons; and "Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Building a Phenomenal Family," by Dr. Phil McGraw.


Other sources of help
Baldino said people engaged in unhealthy relationships can receive help in ways ranging from the informal help of confiding in a friend or roommate in college, to talking with their parents if that's an option for them, or talking with one of the counselors at their college who could meet with them on a short-term basis and could then refer them out.
Trippi suggested that faith-based resources may be another option for finding someone to talk to about relationship issues.

Resources
Hotlines:
Daybreak (safety planning, counseling, advocacy, shelter for women and children): (508) 755-9030
PAVE (for men who abuse): (508) 854-3320
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-(800) 799-SAFE (7233)
or (for TDD service): 1-(800) 787-3224

Information Help Lines:
Westborough Abuse and Violence Education and Support (WAVES): (508) 770-8555
Against Domestic Violence In Shrewsbury Education Project (ADVISE): (508) 842-0056

Other:
Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services (counseling, information and referral): (508) 845-6932
This column is made possible through a partnership with Shrewsbury Youth and Family Services (SYFS) and ADVISE (Against Domestic Violence In Shrewsbury Education Project). Special acknowledgements go to Chris Biron, MA, LMHC, clinical director at SYFS and Janet Trippi, cochair of ADVISE, for sharing their expertise and for their assistance in coordinating input from other community resources. and ADVISE (Against Domestic Violence In Shrewsbury Education Project). Special acknowledgements go to Chris Biron, MA, LMHC, clinical director at SYFS and Janet Trippi, cochair of ADVISE for sharing their expertise and for their assistance in coordinating input from other community resources.

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