Why girls bully others in school By Cathy Flynn, Staff 03/17/2006

HOPKINTON -- It starts with a giggle, a whispered piece of gossip, an e-ail that spreads virus-like to an ever growing number of acquaintances.
   It ends with a beleaguered girl being cut from her circle of friends, and unable to understand what happened.
   According to Rachel Simmons, author of the book "Odd Girl Out," bullying by girls can be much more understated, cruel and long lasting than by boys, who duke it out, then forget it.
   "The stereotype of a bully is that he’s male, overweight and a stranger," said Simmons, who spoke to about 200 parents, most of them moms, at Hopkins School last night. "But a lot of what we are learning about girls is that they hurt their friends."
   Simmons, who was painfully shunned by former friends as a young girl, went on to become a Rhodes Scholar who did extensive research on girl-on-girl bullying in both posh and downtrodden school districts.
   And in all settings, she learned that girls do not manage conflict well because they are encouraged to be caregivers, to sacrifice their own needs, and to put relationships above everything.
   "This creates a culture in which girls do not have social permission to express themselves," Simmons said.
   As a result, they deal with other girls who have made them angry by saying cruel things behind their backs and over the Internet, shunning them and encouraging other girls to do the same.
   Girls use three kinds of bullying: social, indirect and relational, said Simmons. Social bullying deals with spreading gossip and rumors, often by using the Internet.
   The social bully can appear to be a nice girl to adults and teachers, but still be mean to her victims, Simmons said. She might send out an e-mail message that    "Jenny has B.O.," then act victimized and traumatized because her other friends forwarded the e-mail.
   "Gossip harms relationships and that’s why it’s bad," said Simmons. "While we all do it at times, there’s a point where it crosses the line and becomes bullying if it damages friendships and causes people to dislike someone."
   While most parents think Internet safety means avoiding strangers in chat rooms, "the reality is that girls are more likely to be hurt by another girl she sees every day at school," Simmons said.
   Indirect bullying is when the aggressor teases or ignores a girl, then says she was "just kidding" or that the victim is being too sensitive.
   "It’s a way to hurt someone without taking responsibility," said Simmons. "There’s a logic to saying, ’Just kidding.’ It means that ’if I didn’t intend to hurt you, then the hurt did not happen.’"
   Girls who have been bullied, and been upset about it, should not be talked out of their feelings by these manipulative aggressors, she said.
   Relational bullying happens when girls threaten to withdraw from a friendship if the friend does not do what they want.
   "It’s the most powerful way of hurting someone," said Simmons, "For girls, relationships are everything. ... When you say you are not going to be their friend, it’s like hitting them."
   Simmons said that parents should recognize that aggression is an instinct in everyone -- girls as well as boys -- and encourage girls to talk frankly about their feelings.
   And what should a victimized girl do? Simmons would encourage her to approach the friend who is bullying her and be very specific about what is bothering her, such as, "I felt hurt when you canceled plans with me then went to the mall with someone else."
   Simmons runs a summer camp at Mount Holyoke College to help girls build these skills through role-playing.
   For more information, visit her Web site at www.rachelsimmons.com.
   (Cathy Flynn can be reached at catherineaflynn@gmail.com.)